The caring child: How to teach empathy

This is what I am learning to apply to my 5 year old....and also my 7 year old, come to think of it! See SITE.

Article by Mary VanClay
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

What to expect at this age
Kids don't have the cognitive skills to truly understand the concept of empathy until they're 8 or 9. But 5-year-olds, usually highly preoccupied with fairness, are concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too. Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do
Label the feeling. Your kindergartner will be able to understand and manage her emotions much better if she can recognize her feelings. So put a name to her behavior as often as you can. Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that boy who was all alone on the swing. He might have been feeling lonely." By hearing that you noticed her behavior, she'll learn that you recognize and value her responsiveness. She needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when your 5-year-old's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Another way to teach your kindergartner to understand and define her emotions is to have a "feeling of the week." Each week, put up on the refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone experiencing a basic emotion — sadness, happiness, surprise, anger. Work your way up to more complicated emotions, such as frustration, nervousness, and jealousy (clip magazine photos or illustrations that capture these feelings). Talk with your child about times when she felt the same way.

Praise empathetic behavior. When your kindergartner performs an act of kindness, tell her what she did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your special stickers with Tommy. I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."

Encourage your kindergartner to talk about her feelings — and yours. Let her know that you care about how she feels by listening intently. If she has a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to her views before offering your own. And when she says she's mad, paraphrase what she says — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so she knows you're listening and feels encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with her: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry." This is also a fine time to share some of your feelings that don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your 5-year-old will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your kindergartner to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly your new teacher was on the first day of school? She helped you feel less scared." By doing this, you reinforce her understanding of how people's actions can affect her emotionally. Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your 5-year-old how she thinks the children in a fairy tale are feeling, and whether she thinks she'd be scared or brave in the same situation. Tell her how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your 5-year-old can sit and observe others without being rude. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man? He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face. I think he's angry about something."

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a great way for your kindergartner to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases 5-year-olds should use automatically. Explain that you're more inclined to hand over her sandwich when she asks for it politely and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach kids how important it is to treat others with respect. Of course, being polite to her is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your kindergartner and to others, and she'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when she sneaks the candy you told her not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage her behavior. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that candy, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you. Now you won't be allowed to have dessert tonight."

Give your kindergartner jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Five-year-olds can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table. Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table. We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."

Ask her to think of others. Each day is full of opportunities to remind your 5-year-old to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for some licorice. Say, 'Sure. Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?'" suggests Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethnical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children.

Pay attention to your child's social life. Asking specific questions about people in her daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well. Questions such as "Who did you play with at recess today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about on the bus?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.

Involve your kindergartner in charitable activities. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach her empathy. When you take a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby, let her help plan the menu. She can pack a bag of clothes to donate to a local charity and choose some of the toys she's outgrown to give as well. Help her write a thank-you letter to Grandma for a birthday present. Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.

Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."

The rubber HITS the ROAD

Life has a way of throwing us into the deep end,... giving us complete hindsight and making us tests out our true convictions.

Yesterday and today, our homeschooling family has been challenged. Everywhere we go, people will see our kids and ask "What school does she go to?", "...really? homeschool? why?!", and the examples are mile high.

The hardest to swallow is when we have to stand back to let our girls fight their own battles. Letitia gets interrogated ALL the time. Kids will ask her what she scored for the Primary Term 1 exam. They will ask if she learns anything at all. The toughest is when they(Primary 1-3 kids) asks little Mathena what "10+3 is?". Then they add insult by saying, when I was in K1, I could do all the big numbers etc. The classic thus far is today, when the kid found out that Letitia is homeschooled while Mathena attends a Kindy, the child boldly announced "Mathena will be the SMART one!", assuming that Letitia learns nothing at home!

Letitia has since given up explaining OR comparing. She is quite gracious in that she tries to tell them that she KNOWS how to read and write etc. She too is learning that what we are doing is for a higher cause. She is old enough to choose and yes, she NOW chooses to be schooled at home.

Must get her like minded friends, quick!!

ps, this homeschooled child scored "HONOURS" in her ballet exams! PTL!!

High Mountain to Climb!

Been rather quiet at the blogging front due to many reasons...Busyness is one of them and having many thoughts/decisions can truly bog one down.

Over the pass few weeks, we have been offered PR (permanent residency) status in Singapore. We have been encouraged to apply as it will help us with many things. This gives us stability for when Alex changes jobs, we are not required to be out of the country quick fix. It gives us an option for longer stays for our family/parents etc. So, in preparation for that, we have to do our check ups, fill forms and wait hours at the Immigration Office.Girls at a Lantern Exhibition in the Chinese Gardens!

The PR status apparently opened up avenues than being a foreigner status. Within 1-2 weeks, a vacancy 'opened' up in a school within 5km away from our home. The coin has dropped for me as this was the moment where I HAVE to decide homeschooling Letitia or shuffle her off to public school.

I struggled, how I struggled! I prayed, how I prayed!
The thought of having her in the thick and dog-eat-dog environment of primary school totally weighs me down. I can just hear the 'echoes' of: "You cannot PROTECT her for the rest of your life!", "What about her SOCIAL life?", "Will this effect her DEVELOPMENTALLY?" etc.

Even with those thoughts, I stand as woman of GOD, full of peace and inspiration. I have decided and I am FREE from all burdens. It was a tough CALL but I made it, fully trusting in GOD to bless my children, NOT too bless them with 99% in school marks, NOT to bless them with the best IQs, NOT to bless them with AWARDS but to take them closer to HIM, to KNOW Him that gave His life for us, to help put eternity into their hearts. Our greatest desire is that they do THEIR best (not the country nor state's best) and to serve GOD whole heartedly in all they seek to become.Who says homeschooling is BORING? (We watched NBL Slingers vs Hawks)

You guessed it! We are homeschooling and I turned down politely the school. Mathena will be taken out of Kindy as off the end of this term (2) to be re-trained into school at home. It's gonna be a journey, an uphill climb but all with a sense of purpose.

The more I homeschooled, the more I believe that education is not just about 'academics' (Thanks Simone, very aptly put!). The past 1.5 years has been all about inputing proper biblical values, GODly moral standards and giving the girls information that is ONLY suitable to them at the right age. We are strong believers that leaving 'others' to educate our children will only project the values of 'others' into them. Unlike the blessings of a true Christian school, we can never be sure what goes into the hearts and minds of our little ones.One thing great about homeschooling is the mobility!! We bring school as we travel!!

I am also being more and more convicted that 'teaching' my children is my CALLING! I may look every part the rebel and the non-conformist, but I know deep down that it has always been GOD's plans for the mother to serve, to teach and to nurture her children. Non of my worldly jobs has ever given me this much satisfaction/growth (to think that I am NOT paid and I receive no BONUS for my hard work!). My girls are VERY secured, well adjusted and absolutely social beings. My girls are NOT confused with all the values(different to theirs at home) they encounter as half of them, they are told that they will have to wait till they are older to understand. They have full trust that whatever we withhold is for their best interests.
We are also seeing that the girls are very self motivated in their own education. They look forward to what their daily lessons unfold to them. They struggle like all kids with the more complicated levels(maths!!) but they are encouraged to try their best and the results are in front of them. They get fed all the necessary information that they are interested in by books, videos, stories. I cater most of our 'science' according to the 'in' topic of interest and am constantly impressed with the absorbtion level at their own motivation.

Truth be told, I don't teach, I just direct their learning experience. I learn so much along the way....it's like I am being re-educated all over again. Letitia can self sustain her learning by going through up to 5 sheets of English all by herself. I DO NOT have to breath down her throat. I know within the next day how she fairs in a subject and we work straight at it. Done deal, no homework and plenty of time for rest and play. Such is homeschooling! We play with each other, we swim, we dance and we sing!

The highest point is the GOD factor. I am challenged to bring GOD's word into our lives on the daily basis. Our days start with our daily reading from the kids devotion. We will also study "the character of Jesus" as well as end with some journaling and praying. We pray daily for GOD to help us in many ways, for GOD to help daddy at work, for GOD to help us at home. Everyday we learn about how GOD can challenge us to look outward and serve others even when it hurts. No other school does this. If we want the girls to KNOW that GOD's word is prominent in our lives, how else do we do it except by making the BIBLE part of our daily lives. Again, the LORD is teaching ME, more than anything else. I am studying too and I am commited to praying for my husband, whether I like it or NOT!! Hee! Hee!

I am at peace!

Decisions. decisions..

Okay, my mom's left! Sniff, sniff, sniff! She's back in tropical Kuching helping and caring for her other extended family. Both the 2 legged and 4 legged versions. My house is falling apart (esp my laundry!!!)

We've been kinda 'bogged' down with a lot of decision making...

As most would know, we are homeschooling Letitia/Mathena. When I say "we", it actually means "I"! Alex fully supports me and backs that commitment up with the finance. He's happy to HS them when he has a day off, and helping any way. It has been a new and exciting adventure for us and we are truly getting into the swing of things. In a blink of an eye, it's now more than 1.5 years since we made that BIG step.

I have been struggling..... inside and outside. What are my issues? What are my struggles?

1) Letitia misses school life! Our first born had the pleasure of attending one of the finest yet 'reasonably priced' schools in our region before we landed in Singapore. She's tasted the fruits and joys of school life.

She complains, she grumbles (people of Israel?!) She now misses it? Why?

Because I have not signed her up with the homeschooling community in Singapore to allow her to established longer lasting mateship and bonding. ...why haven't I done THAT? Well, I had Mathena in a nearby Kindy for 3 hours daily and all the ins and outs at this school prevents me from participating in the HS weekly programmes.

2) I LOVE homeschooling. I SEE so much benefits as well as BELIEVE in all aspects of it. I am sold to this concept from day 1 and even more so now. Letitia has regular devotions in the morning with me, she's learning to regularly journal (she's only 7) and she is strongly founded her concept of characters and virtues on the life of Christ (still working on her own). She enjoys the benefits of staying at home minus the commute/heat, reading as much books as her little eyes can possibly absorb and learning tons of life skills. I have minimal 'value' issues to deal with and all the 'attitudes' are dealt with on the spot.

3) I am learning P1-3 all over again. In all honesty, I NEVER knew there's so much involved being a early primary student. I learn the terms 'Antonyms, Homonyms' and other words that end with NYMS and TIONS etc. I realise that kids do well with constant guidance and repetition. (So do most adults!) Letitia is suppose to be P1 in Singapore, Ministry Of Education system here. In Australia, her peers are in P2. She is now at the end of her P2 programme and is revising the work to make sure she knows them.

Doing GKGW, RMI and applying all these life principles, we have found that HS truly allows the children to remain children, to preserve their childhood, to sift out most of the 'undesirables' that the present world brings. It allows us as parents to 'choose our battles' as well as ground the children to what truly matters~ GOD's plan and relationship with us!

4) I still get stares and 'questions' on why the girls are NOT in school. "Cannot get into the school next door-MEH??" My physical side collapsed a few weeks ago. I was reassured and prompted by GOD with this decision. I just had to look closer around to realise that it's the best thing ever for my girls. I HAVE NOT seen a happy P1 child in my estate (18blocks of 100 units). I have NOT seen a happy mom and every child is not available for play as they are out on their second tuition for the day. Do you know my girls tuition too? They attend a chinese/mandarin school that allows them to be downgraded by 2 years in their level. So Letitia is doing K1 standard (and doing VERY well I might add) instead of P1. I have full intentions of pulling Mathena back home and HS her as well.

5) It's tough juggling 2 girls, their school work, their extra activities, their sports as well as make sure we have food on the table, clean clothes to wear as well as clean toilets and chairs to seat on. The stronger I feel about HS, the more I am incline to bring in a 'helper' full time in my house to help with the 'survival' stuff while I focus on them. It will also release us to ministry that is deeply in our hearts minus dragging them to the wee hours at night. L and M still goes to bed by 830pm. This is the same hour most Cell groups or Discipleship groups meet. In this area, GOD has provided us with a lovely Kindergarten trained teacher. Have met her, talked to her and approached her. Will seek GOD to help bring her into our home....safely and securely.

6) I am quite TIRED. In all honesty, I cannot know the difference between tiredness or laziness. I am even "GYM-ing" myself a bit to shed some fat and hopefully in return give me more energy. I go to bed needing another shower (my 6th) as I would havejust spent 2 hours vacumning, mopping, doing laundry, tidying up, washing up etc...I am feeling my age!